列夫·托尔斯泰说，“幸福的家庭都是相似的，而不幸的家庭各有各自的不幸。”套用这句话，我们也许可推出以下结论：优秀的文书自有其相似点，而平庸的文书各有各的不足。
优秀文书中的Universal Value，也即其普适价值，是我们研读模范Sample Essays的出发点与立足点所在。今天，小助手继续带着大家细致剖析解读The Crimson提供成功录取哈佛大学的亚裔女生Emily的文书，快把知识吸收进你聪明的小脑瓜吧~
申请者背景
名字：Emily
所在州：美国宾夕法尼亚州
高中：私立学校，120名毕业生
种族：亚裔
GPA：3.91/4.0
SAT：阅读800，数学780，写作800
ACT：N/A
参加过的SAT科目考试：数学2，生物M，化学，西班牙语
课外活动：校网球队队长，校游泳队队长，模拟法庭队长，学生会干事，内穆尔儿童医疗集团志愿者
所获奖项：钻石挑战赛大奖得主，林肯奖学金文书，全国优秀学生，国家荣誉协会奖学金，宾夕法尼亚州州长科学学院奖学金
专业：人类发展与再生生物学
文书内容
Clear, hopeful melodies break the silence of the night.
Playing a crudely fashioned bamboo pipe, in the midst of sullen inmates—this is how I envision my grandfather. Never giving up hope, he played every evening to replace images of bloodshed with memories of loved ones at home. While my grandfather describes the horrors of his experience in a forced labor camp during the Cultural Revolution, I could only grasp at fragments to comprehend the story of his struggle.
I floundered in this gulf of cultural disparity.
As a child, visiting China each summer was a time of happiness, but it was also a time of frustration and alienation. Running up to my grandpa, I racked my brain to recall phrases supposedly ingrained from Saturday morning Chinese classes. Other than my initial greeting of “Ni hao, ye ye!” (“Hello, grandpa”), however, I struggled to form coherent sentences. Unsatisfied, I would scamper away to find his battered bamboo flute, and this time, with my eyes, silently beg him to play.
Although I struggled to communicate clearly through Chinese, in these moments, no words were necessary. I cherished this connection—a relationship built upon flowing melodies rather than broken phrases. After each impromptu concert, he carefully guided my fingers along the smooth, worn body of the flute, clapping after I successfully played my first tentative note. At the time, however, I was unaware of that through sharing music, we created language of emotion, a language that spanned the gulf of cultural differences. Through these lessons, I discovered an inherent inclination toward music and a drive to understand this universal language of expression.
Years later, staring at sheets of music in front of me at the end of a long rehearsal, I saw a jumbled mess of black dots. After playing through “An American Elegy” several times, unable to infuse emotion into its reverent melodies that celebrated the lives lost at Columbine, we—the All-State Band—were stopped yet again by our conductor Dr. Nicholson. He directed us to focus solely on the climax of the piece, the Columbine Alma Mater. He urged us to think of home, to think of hope, to think of what it meant to be American, and to fill the measures with these memories. When we played the song again, this time imbued with recollections of times when hope was necessary, “An American Elegy” became more than notes on a page; it evolved into a tapestry woven from the thread of our life stories.
The night of the concert, in the lyrical harmonies of the climax, I envisioned my grandfather, exhausted after a long day of labor, instilling hope in the hearts of others through his bamboo flute. He played his own “elegy” to celebrate the lives of those who had passed. At home that night, no words were necessary when I played the alma mater for my grandfather through the video call. As I saw him wiping tears, I smiled in relief as I realized through music I could finally express the previously inexpressible. Reminded of warm summer nights, the roles now reversed, I understood the lingual barrier as a blessing in disguise, allowing us to discover our own language.
Music became a bridge, spanning the gulf between my grandfather and me, and it taught me that communication could extend beyond spoken language. Through our relationship, I learned that to understand someone is not only to hear the words that they say, but also to empathize and feel as they do. With this realization, I search for methods of communication not only through spoken interaction, but also through shared experiences, whether they might involve the creation of music, the heat of competition, or simply laughter and joy, to cultivate stronger, more fulfilling relationships. Through this approach, I strive to become a more empathetic friend, student, and granddaughter as finding a common language has become, for me, a challenge—an invitation—to discover deeper connections.
通读全文，Emily以其娓娓道来的笔触，记录了作为一个在美华裔孩子在成长过程中亲身遇到的文化碰撞。她一个人的故事，也是这一群体缩影。她与中国祖父之间略显困难的沟通互动，深深牵动着读者的心。The Crimson招生官和Alvin老师有话说~
the Crimson点评：
在艾米丽的文书中，她没有华而不实，而是选择了平凡的事情，比如在国际室内乐团中与家人进行音乐的互动，以此来证明，以前让她没法与祖父达成和谐理解的“文化差异”和“理解鸿沟”，在她意识到除了语言以外还有其他更个人化的人际沟通方式的时候，就消散了。
很有意思的是，艾米丽把“清晰又充满希望的旋律”这样明亮的形象与被关押在劳改营中的祖父这样阴沉的形象搭配在一起，而这样一种令人沉痛的搭配吸引了读者。对于在无数篇以最重要的“我”为中心的文书中进行筛选的招生官来说，把介绍的责任放在完全不同的人身上的故事是会受到欢迎的。
艾米丽展现出了语言方面的独特主张。文书中的一些诗歌语言强化了文书的主题：语言未必是与人沟通的唯一方式。但在某些部分中，华丽的语言会拖累句子，显得有些尴尬。在一篇旨在展现语言在传达思想方面是多么不完善的文书里面，使用笨拙的语言对读者来说似乎是某种背叛。口才和效果兼得是很重要的。
她在最后几段中表达的感悟非常成熟，也许正是这种感悟给这篇文书增添了最后的“魅力”。高中生对于日常生活有自己的感悟，就说明他们能够深刻反省——这是大学希望在学生身上看到的一种特质。
免责声明：除删去身份细节以外，文书均复制申请书原稿；原稿中的任何错误均得到保留，以保持文书的完整性。
斐然文书创始人Alvin老师评价
Emily的文章有两点值得借鉴。第一，引人入胜。开篇由一个极具吸引力的画面，即文革期间监狱中的一管竹笛作为开场。无论对美国读者，或是任何读者来说，多种多样画面极具对比，让我们想要读到更多。对于日读千篇的招生官来说，这篇文章极具记忆点。
第二，真实感。“磨损的旧竹笛”，以及Emily演奏的《美国挽歌》等音乐作品等等细节，展现出这些都是她所经历的真人真事。Emily应该是一个极具情感而真实可爱的人，是一个你愿意与其在哈佛校园里共享三明治午餐的人。如果你的文章也能做到此般生动真实，这将会是一大优势！
总结
招生官和Alvin老师分别从内容、主题和语言对Emily的文书进行细致入微的点评，大家有没有获得一些心得感悟？看完Sample Essay和老师们的点评，一定要记得做好总结，把精华部分消化吸收！
真实感。真人真事即使平凡，也有其强大吸引力。Emily的文书中提及的微小细节，很好地增强了故事的可信度，情感充沛，感染力强。
学会对日常事物进行思考感悟。高中生从生活入手，一方面文章故事化发展引人入胜，另一方面也向读者展现了成熟而自信的思考能力。
有更多问题，欢迎咨询斐然文书小助手（微信号：frwriting01）～
Reference: https://www.thecrimson.com/topic/sponsored-successful-harvard-essays-2018/