招生官在短短几十秒内会喜欢什么样的文书呢？想必在上一篇文书赏析（一）的部分，大家都了解到：能聚焦一件事进行适当的详细描述、有生动形象的语言、深刻感悟成长的文书是最受招生官青睐的。
看到这里，有的小伙伴会苦恼，自己语言水平匮乏，也没啥故事可讲，或者说看似对很多事物感兴趣，但不知道该选什么样的事进行描述，才能扣住文书的题目。
以Common App的一道题目为例，下面我们就一起来看一篇Sample Essay，并听听招生官有什么样的评价，这样我们可以在了解招生官的反应的同时，让自己有所提升。
写作要求
我们正在寻找一篇文章，将帮助我们更好地了解你作为一个人，作为一个学生，是怎样的人。请根据自己选择的题目(字数不限)写一篇文章。
文书内容
I'm one of those kids who can never read enough. I sit here, pen in hand, at my friendly, comfortable, oak desk and survey the books piled high on the shelves, the dresser, the bed, the chair, even the window ledge. Growing up without TV, I turned to the beckoning world of literature for both entertainment and inspiration. As I run my eye over the nearest titles, I notice... only three written in the last 50 years. Ahh, here's Homer – by far my favorite ancient author – alongside Tolkien, my favorite modern. Incongruous? I think not. Tolkien loved Homer and honored him constantly within his own work. How could I fully appreciate the exchange between Bilbo and Gollum without seeing the parallel story of Odysseus and Polyphemus in the back of my mind? In the innocent characters of Bilbo and Frodo, Tolkien gives a quiet refutation to Plato's philosophical dialog of Gyges' Ring. Only a classicist would notice. Donne would, over there on the shelf, encased contentedly in his quiet brown binding. Aristotle wouldn't. He's too busy analyzing the Dickens on either side of him.
The deeper I dig, the richer ground I find. I accidentally discovered the source of Feste's comedic dialog in Twelfth Night while translating the Latin plays of Plautus. I met the traitor Brutus as a fictional character in Shakespeare's Julius Caesar, renewed my acquaintance with the actual man in Classical History, and hope never to meet his soul in the deepest circle of Dante's Inferno. In all of this, I can sense a bond, transcending time and linking me to Homer, to Tennyson, to Virgil, Byron, and Nietzsche. In my mind's eye, all the great works I've read lie spread out on a gigantic blackboard, and that mystic bond takes shape in a vast connecting network, branching from history to myth and from myth to fantasy.
I've been unconsciously collecting this mental catalog all my life. I was 12 the first time I read the unabridged Odyssey, but I've known the story for as long as I can remember. Growing up, I read authors like E. Nesbit, C.S. Lewis, J.R.R. Tolkien, and Robert Louis Stevenson. As a child, I didn't try to analyze the conflicts of Long John Silver's character or document Kipling's literary devices – I just loved the stories, and I picked up the techniques of great authors subconsciously. Good writing is contagious. Now as a senior beginning to analyze literature and philosophy more closely, I already have a huge pool to draw from. In British Literature this year, my paper on the monsters of Beowulf won praise from my teacher because, having already read Beowulf several times over the years, I was able to analyze on a deeper level and recognize themes I hadn't noticed before.
In college, I will continue to study great stories and contribute in my own way: literature on the big screen rather than on paper. Film is the way that our modern culture experiences narrative. Cinema has always fascinated me as a medium for storytelling, and my passion has only grown as I've studied every aspect of film-making. The vast scope of Peter Jackson's Lord of the Rings trilogy draws me in, but I want to write my own epic. One day, I will create my masterpiece, rich with the wisdom and artistry of three millennia, and offer it humbly to the classicists of the future.
大家可以看到，这篇文书写得挺不错，避免了常见的陷阱（比如像简历一样地列出成就，写别人的事情而不写自己的事情等等），不仅讲述了自己的故事，还突出了对某一事物的热情。但接下来看完招生官的反馈以后，我们就会知道，要了解招生官的反应确实不是一件容易的事。
斯坦福大学招生官
这是一篇非常好的文章，我们从中了解到了这个学生对知识的热情。你可以看出这个学生花了非常多的精力在小说和写作方面，抱有极大的热情，这真的非常好！
不过我更希望他能多写点关于自己的想法和感悟，而不只是仅仅把注意力集中在书架上的书，以及作者之间的联系。
我觉得这篇文章缺少的是一种招生官能真正了解这个学生是谁的感觉。这篇文章如何将他和其他热爱文学和写作的同学区分开来。这个学生是如何从这些文学作品和书籍获得激情和能量的？他是如何体会到这种激情的?这对他有什么影响？
加州大学伯克利分校招生官
从这篇文章来看，这个学生在学术上很优秀。但从我们的角度，我们不仅需要看到学生在学术上有多好，还希望能看到其他方面的东西。毕竟，很多时候我们在其他地方看到的学术文章，也是为了能够真正地引出你必须给校园带来的其他东西，对吧？
斐然文书创始人Alvin老师评价
这篇文章非常好地展示了作者的学术潜力，但是有几个方面是可以改进的。
就像许多招生官评论的那样，通过这篇文章，我们发现作者对一个非常具体的领域——古典文学——有着深厚的学术激情。专注并了解自己对什么样的事物充满激情总是好的。作者清楚地表达了他对古典文学的热爱，以及他是一个能够独立深入学习一些东西的人。我特别喜欢他从《指环王》中借鉴的内容，并将其与古希腊诗人荷马的作品进行比较，为现代流行文化电影和书籍提供了一个不同的角度。作者显然具有学术实力，这是招生官最看重的东西，除非你是世界级的音乐家或运动员。
中国学生要注意的是，作者有时似乎在吹嘘自己将来将如何写出一部“杰作”，或者炫耀自己对所有这些作家和哲学家的了解。总的来说，这没什么问题，因为美国文化倾向于看重强烈的观点。在中国文化中我们认为的自夸，在西方文化中可能会被视为自信。总的来说，我们可以从作者那里学到如何更好地向招生官展示自己的优点。
作者本可以做得更好的是展示更多关于自己的分析和想法，包括他未来的“杰作”可能写什么。现在看来，他只是学识渊博，对很多书都很有鉴赏力，但似乎并没有什么独到的见解。如果这篇文章是为某所学校写的，他也可以提到他想在那所学校上的课程，或者他仰慕的校友。
总结
看完这篇Sample Essay以及招生官和Alvin老师给出的评价，小伙伴们一定受益良多吧！下面小助手来帮大家把比较重要的几点内容总结一下：
1.专注一个感兴趣的领域，展开适当的详细描述。
2.展示出自己的独到见解和分析，以此突出自己的学术实力和个性特点。
另外，高考将近，不管得意或者失利
不妨考虑留学新加坡，给你的人生多一个选择
如果你感兴趣，就一定不要错过
欢迎咨询斐然文书小助手~！
Reference: https://www.khanacademy.org/college-careers-more/college-admissions/applying-to-college/admissions-essays/a/sample-essay-2-with-admissions-feedback