【好文赏析】招生官这样评价你的文书,你知道吗？（一）

小伙伴们把经过反复修改的文书交上去的时候，一定很想知道录取招生官在短短几十秒内是如何评价一篇文书的好坏的吧？

以Common App的一道题目为例，下面我们就一起来看一篇Sample Essay，并听听招生官有什么样的评价，这样我们可以在了解招生官的反应的同时，让自己有所提升。

写作要求

评价一次有显著意义的经历、成就、冒过的风险、曾面临的道德难题等，并谈谈它对你的影响（500字以内）。

文书内容

A misplaced foot on the accelerator instead of the brakes made me the victim of someone’s careless mistake. Rushing through the dark streets of my hometown in an ambulance, I attempted to hold back my tears while two supportive Emergency Medical Technicians (EMTs) comforted me. Although I suffered a minor knee injury, the trauma of that accident still lingers.

Fast forward six years to the present. Now I am sitting in the back of the ambulance, a rookie EMT, with my purple gloves on, stethoscope around my neck, and a red medical bag in hand. I am also making sure we have the proper medical equipment stocked, including neck collars and long body boards.

As I step out of the ambulance, a bitter breeze nips at my face. Shattered glass, two crushed car hoods, and traffic everywhere, the scene is put into perspective as I can finally see what is happening. I stop in my tracks. It is my accident all over again.

“Get the collars and boards, there is a possible back injury,” my partner whispers to me. I fetch the items, still attempting to deal with my conflicting emotions. Using the help of five other EMTs, we extricate the victim from the car and secure him to the stretcher. While in the ambulance, I realize now that circumstances have been reversed. This time, clutching the patient’s hand, I tried to soothe him, and he slowly calms down. I keep my composure and actively tried to help the patient feel as comfortable as I did. Keeping all of his personal belongings close to me, we wheel him into the busy emergency room and transfer him safely. As we leave, he looked into my eyes and I could feel his sincere gratitude. Rather than being an innocent victim, like the current patient was, I am now the rescuer.

Even though I felt the horrid memories rushing back, I kept my duties as a rescuer in the forefront of my mind. Keeping my cool in the face of extreme pressure I came out of the call a changed person: someone who can see a problem, regardless of any bias I may have, and focus only on what is happening at that instant. Confidently facing my own terrors, I felt as if conquering my fears allowed me to face my duties with a grounded and compassionate outlook.

Tears stream, limbs hurt, children cry: I am there, with a smile on my face, a stethoscope around my neck, compassion in my heart, happy to help and proud to serve.

大家可以看到，这篇文书写得挺不错，避免了常见的陷阱（比如像简历一样地列出成就，写别人的事情而不写自己的事情等等）。但接下来看完招生官的反馈以后，我们就会知道，要了解招生官的反应确实不是一件容易的事。

我认为这篇文书的优点在于，这位学生确实花了时间，把她在这次事故中的经历以及学到的东西描绘得十分生动形象。显然，她经历了一次让她十分痛苦的事故，但她提取了这次事故的积极意义，详细地为我们解释了她是如何战胜恐惧并成为急救医疗技术员的，而我们招生官喜欢看到这样的东西，这样一种良好的复原能力，从一件负面的事情中汲取经验并进行应用，让自己和他人都能从中学到一些东西，我觉得这些地方都非常棒。

在我看来，我们招生官看重的是，她真的在文书里面花了很多时间去描绘画面，去铺垫背景。但我们也经常看到，不少学生在写文书的时候，花了很多时间，用了很多宝贵的空间去铺垫，却没有好好抓住那些应该解释自己学到什么内容的时间点。我们只在这篇文书的最后两段，或者说最后一段，确切体会到她战胜了恐惧，可以重新提起让她痛苦的事情，现在她也已经成为了急救医疗技术员，可以帮助其他有类似经历的人，而这样的内容最好更早一些出现。她用了差不多四个段落，描述了从事故发生到成为急救医疗技术员的几乎所有细节，有点太多了。我希望能更早一些讲到重点。

读完这篇文书，我还有一个感受就是，真的写得很棒，非常生动形象，我很喜欢看到这样的文书。不过如果是我来写，我会多花一点时间仔细思考，我希望招生官看了我的文书，除了了解到我能够战胜恐惧以外，还会对我有什么样的了解。我怎么把这种精神带到大学里面来？意思就是，打个比方，我想在医学预科或者科学方面进行学术研究，或者讲讲我承担的公民义务以及社区职责，多写一些这样的内容，体现出这件事对我有哪些影响，从而让招生官对我有更多的了解，这样写就会很好。

在上面的文书以及招生官的评价中，有很多值得我们学习的地方。

首先，虽然这篇文书确实写得很好，但正如招生官讲到的，作者的感悟部分偏少了。除了战胜恐惧以外，她还在哪些方面有所成长？同时，增添一些幽默感可以缓和严肃的情境。

其次，从总体上来看，中国学生倾向于在个人陈述部分着重列出自己的成就，大致就是把一大堆成就写成一份清单。而作者在这篇文书里做得很好的地方就在于，她聚焦于特定的一件事情、一次活动，并给出很多详细的描述，这样文书会更加引人入胜。总的来说，这是一篇优秀的文书，可供我们参考学习。

We have a lot to learn from the essay as well as the Admissions Officer's comments above. First, while the essay is clearly well written, we agree with the Admissions Officer that there can be more time spent on the insights of the writer. Beyond overcoming her fear, how else did she grow? Maybe a bit of humor can be added as well to lighten up a heavy situation. Second, in general, Chinese students tend to focus on listing their achievements in the personal statement, and write broadly about a whole list of achievements. What the writer did well here is focusing on one particular incident and one particular activity, with many detailed descriptions, and we think it makes for a more compelling essay. In general, a well-written essay that we can keep as reference.

看完这篇Sample Essay以及招生官和Alvin老师给出的评价，小伙伴们一定受益良多吧！下面小助手来帮大家把比较重要的几点内容总结一下：

这三点不仅适用于本科申请

也适用于研究生申请

不同的是，研究生申请文书

需要将自己的背景和相关经历

与项目所需要的内容整合到一起

更多问题也可以直接扫码咨询小助手哦！

Reference: https://www.khanacademy.org/college-careers-more/college-admissions/applying-to-college/admissions-essays/a/sample-essay-1-with-admissions-feedback

关于斐然文书

斐然文书是由美国宾夕法尼亚大学和耶鲁大学校友联合成立的世界级专业英文文书反馈团队，致力于通过给学生提供高质量、及时的、可操作的文书反馈意见，帮助中国学生在内容、结构、清晰度和创造力上做最大的提升。

我们期待帮助中国学生在申请海外名校留学的时候，不仅仅注重硬件分数的提升，更注重在文书和软实力上与竞争者缩短差距并且在千军万马过独木桥时可以更胜一筹。

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